As the sun slowly settled behind tall trees lining a well-kept street, the wealthy preacher turned his new Mercedes into the long driveway leading to his mansion. Driving past the perfectly manicured lawns and lush shrubbery, he smiled, thanking God for helping him to rise far above the crowded trailer he shared as a boy with his parents and siblings in a mobile home park.
He also thanked God for blessing him with another productive day of ministering to his huge flock: praying for the sick and misguided, coordinating a food drive, scheduling weddings and funerals, and putting the final touches on his next sermon. The preacher praised God for all that he had been given, and for inspiring him to give in return.
But suddenly his mood changed. The closer he got to his home, the more he started to sense that something wasn’t right. Gliding to a stop at the front entrance, the preacher noticed that the massive double door was slightly ajar.
“What’s going on?” he wondered aloud.
The house should have been empty. His wife and children were out of town visiting relatives. And he had given the servants the day off.
The preacher eased the front door open and crept through the foyer to the edge of the entry to his huge living room. On the far side of the room, he encountered a shocking sight! A lone figure, his back to the preacher, was snatching framed photos, plaques and awards from a large walnut and glass trophy case, and loading them into a jumbo trash bag! The precious mementos had been accumulated at various ceremonies over the years, honoring the preacher for his many achievements and contributions to the community.
“What are you doing?” yelled the enraged reverend.
The startled figure dropped his bag and turned around.
The preacher froze, transfixed by the creature before him. It was his arch enemy, non other than the devil himself!
Summoning courage, the man of God bolted across the room to the closet where he kept a special weapon for just such an occasion: the golden shotgun with the sacred bullets!
The devil leaped toward the closet too, and managed to get a hand on the gun just as the preacher pulled it from its rack. As they stumbled out of the closet, each with a death grip on the gun, a mighty struggle ensued! The two entities battled ferociously, turning over furniture, making a mess of the magnificently appointed home!
But the preacher would not give up. Calling out to God, he gave one last heave and wrenched the weapon from the devil’s grip! In a flash of motion, the preacher landed a powerful blow with the butt of the gun to the evil one’s head, knocking him to the floor!
Stunned, the devil instinctively raised his hands to shield himself from the barrel of the golden gun, now aimed at his face.
“I’ve been waiting my whole life for this day,” gasped the preacher. He struggled to steady the shotgun in his trembling hands.
“You better think about what you’re doing, reverend!” The devil lay on his back, one hand still shielding his face, the other gently inspecting the bump starting to rise near his temple.
“Shut up!” yelled the preacher, backing up slightly. “Don’t move!”
The devil again raised both palms toward the shaking man with the gun. “Okay, okay!” he stammered. “But at least hear me out. You are about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your whole life.”
“You are a liar! The worst liar the world has ever known!” Salty sweat streamed down from the preacher’s frazzled hair into his eyes, blurring the image on the floor. “Getting rid of you will be the best thing I have ever done. Every man, woman, and child will be so much better off without you.”
The preacher wiped his jacket sleeve across his eyes, trying to clear his vision.
“Do you really believe that?” The evil one sat up slowly. “What about you, Mr. Preacher? Are you going to be better off when I’m gone?”
“Yes!” shouted the preacher.
The devil managed an uneasy smile. “Don’t be naïve. Who is going to need you if nobody’s afraid of me? Who’s going to show up at your church, bringing donations and tithes? How will you pay for this beautiful lifestyle you have grown accustomed to without me around to scare people into your fold? Will your wife still be able to afford the clothes and the vacations she loves so much? And your kids. Are you ready to forget about the plans you’ve made for their college educations? You have been preaching since you were sixteen years old, and you really don’t know how to do anything else!”
The preacher wiped his eyes again, struggling to focus on his target. “Shut up! I don’t care about that!” he yelled, his hands starting to tremble more violently. “I’ve got to get rid of you, once and for all!”
Sensing a fracture in the man’s fortitude, the devil talked faster. “If you don’t care about yourself and your own family, think about your friends, your golf buddies! What about the doctor? Without me there will be no more sickness. What’s he going to do? Would he forgive you if he knew you could have saved his career?
“And what will you tell the lawyer? With me out of the way, people won’t be inspired to commit crimes. How will he take care of his family?”
The preacher tried to block out the words.
“Think about it.” The devil sat upright on the floor, still facing the trembling man. “You are going to cause a lot of grief if you shoot me.”
The preacher’s face was a mask of uncertainty. And the golden gun was starting to feel like it weighed a hundred pounds. “I can’t let you go,” he groaned. “I just can’t!”
“Sure you can!” Eyeing the man closely, the devil started to rise. He remained in a slightly stooped, subservient position with his hands up.
The preacher took another step backward, still aiming the gun at the devil’s head.
“Look,” the devil continued, “nobody has to know what happened here. As far as I’m concerned, it never happened. You get to keep all your stuff, nothing got broken… And it’s dark outside now. I can leave by the back door and slip into the woods. Nobody has to know.”
The preacher’s eyes welled with tears as he glimpsed his front yard through a large living room window. Daylight had indeed faded into the night. Without the automatic lights illuminating the estate, his home would be engulfed in darkness. The preacher lowered the golden gun. Tears streamed down his cheeks and dripped from his chin, disappearing into the plush carpet.
The devil took a few tentative steps toward the rear of the house, still wary of the confused man.
“Wait!” The preacher leveled the golden shotgun at the creature’s back.
The devil stopped abruptly!
“I need to know something,” sobbed the preacher. “Why would you steal things from my home that couldn’t possibly be of value to anyone except me and my family?”
“Because it’s what I do,” replied the devil. “I steal things that can never be replaced.”
Again, the preacher lowered his weapon. Then he walked over to the wall panel that controlled the exterior lights. With the click of a switch, the area surrounding his home disappeared into the darkness. “Go quickly,” he said, “ before I change my mind.”
Not wishing to press his luck, the intruder made a silent, hasty departure from the rear door of the mansion and escaped into the nearby woods.
The man stood quietly for a while, tears streaming down his face. Gradually he regained his composure and placed the golden gun back in its special rack in the closet. After a stiff shot of bourbon, he took off his jacket, and started straightening up his living room.
By the next day, both the preacher and the devil had resumed their respective careers.
© 2014 Paul Howard Nicholas